The beginning would be nice, but tears have flown down so much today from the inner core of my heart, that there is nothing more I can say (sometimes you don’t have to say anything, just listen to the right people). I can’t speak to anyone, about anything. I have lost my connection to being able to talk to people (who don’t matter to me, who don’t treat me like I should). And I’m not sure why. Maybe all of the drugs are not finally frying my brain and I do not have speech problems, But I’ve truly become scared and begun questioning my own intelligence (welcome to my world my dear, it gets better). For the past 3 days, I can’t even make proper sentences when I speak. I have no idea why (because you’re a little genius you =) ).
“Meira. You arent making any sense” (because you’re in love, no one makes sense while they’re in love - otherwise reason would triumph in love, and well know love has its own reasons for reason) - Ive heard this sentence at least 14 times in the past 3 days. And its bringing tears into my eyes (My mom once told me that God catches every tear that you have ever shed, and keeps it in a bick bucket that he will one day wash your enemies with, all your sorrow, and pain, will wash away). I really have lost my connection to speak. And now I just want to stay quiet.
I sit here. In a world, where families exist. Where children are dependent on their parents, and their parents provide them with stability. I sit here, In a world, Where I see everyone with their worries. And their parents holding them through it. I see the dependency of my friends, who are 19 and 20, how they are financially stable because of Mommy And Daddy.
They wonder why there is tears in my eyes, as I sit there and watch them all talk about family. And how badly at this age we need our parents (we need parents even when we’re old, at how badly have we needed their guidance and care every since we were born? It is because of their Love, and the grace of God we are here, and that I have come to know, and love you). And I just float, as If I’m not even alive, feeling the emptiness of the cold brisk corners of my heart ice up because It simply longs for the love of my parents (and you have parents, and yes they are far away but you have parents). I struggle. And struggle. And try my best to be humble (this line is what changed me entire mood while I was reading this, because I know it was directed at me - and so I’m humbling myself, and I just want to see you smile again - which is why I’m doing this, and I told myself I wouldn’t get angry - and that I need more Love to give, because His Love is unending, and so we should do the same). I see other peoples pain, the loss of their best friends, their sisters. I watch my best friend, lose her twin sister, and I see how alike we are. She has a family, She has parents who love her, but she has no sister. And I have a brother, but my parents are basically not even here.
The only difference is (there are more differences, both good and bad), my brother beats the shit out of me (and this is one of the bad). And my grandmother, and aunt are crazy.(so are mine :’) ) And I’m moving out in a few months, and work 2 jobs. [starting from the 3rd.]. (sometimes I just want to give you the biggest hug in the world and keep hugging you till you hug me back, and not let go till you’ve cried on my shoulder, and stopped crying, then cry a little bit more, then finish crying, then just be with me, [even to the point that it’s awkward] )
I don’t know whats worse sometimes. Going home after school for 8 hours, and then a job for 4-5 hours to a brother who is psychotic, loud, painful, and abusive. With the grandmother whos yelling, spitting at you, and raising her hand to hit you , as you have a migraine and already want to die because your head is hurting so much. (you truly are one of the strongest people I’ve come to know,
Or coming home to a roommate at 17, living on your own, no family, no love (there is always Love, always Love - and I need to understand more than anyone [says my mom] that I can never suggest that it’s out - that it’s finished - that there is no more love. There is always Love, like there is always Light, because darkness is simply the absence of Love - darkness cannot exist without Love. We exist because of Love, because our parents LOVED us enough to raise us, because people along the way LOVED us even if it was the smallest act of kindness. We need LOVE to survive, that’s all anyone ever wants. That’s why the sun shines brighter when you’re in love, that’s why you smile hard, and food tastes 3 times as good. That’s why you skip instead of walk, that’s why people keep asking you why you’re SMILING so hard.), no parents, trying to make ends meet by scraping up cash by the Grace of God, and nothing else - nooothing else. Even life and death is in his hand and having no financial aid.
Not like I have financial aid either way (all you need to do is ask pookie ).
I hate it. I hate it so much. This trip has only done one good things for me. Its given me my spark to write again (among other things, maybe it’s trying to teach me patience [don’t hit me :P]). The words have started to jumble up as they come out of my mouth. I do not make sentences and I guess its because my fingers needed to type it all down. Theres so much more to say. Maybe this is the start. But I dont know what to do anymore.
I’m a lost girl (who will be found, again, and again, and again. Besides, you’re not lost- you’re just wandering, and not all who wander are lost), who thinks Knows shes strong enough to take it, as I slowly crack BREAK DOWN IN TEARS AND CRY , and see only people who piss me the FUCK off, and sit with them and listen to their bullshit But it’s not really bullshit because maybe what they have to say is important and they need to express themselves just like I need to express myself, except I ssave it for one special person (who’s writing everything in bold and crossing things out) and he doesn’t always listen to me 100%, because he too is only human, just like me, and we all make mistakes, but we all need to learn to forgive. Because to error is human, but to forgive is divine - God said that, not me.
I don’t want to keep my day open, to listen to everyone elses bull shit (you really don’t have to, but be bold enough to say that to them - to take action - to not sit there and keep your day open to listen to other people’s bullshit. Even though they might need you more than ever, and I’m sorry that I’m so, so far away). I truly don’t. I am breaking down, and theres nothing more in the world id like to do then bitch slap anyone who complains to me about their life (especially me since you probably have a list of things I should get slapped for :) and honestly, thats the first thing I’m expecting - maybe the second [after the kisses]). Do you have a mother and father? yes. Who you can see love you and care for you? yes Are you financially stable? No one is, the whole world is in a Crisis, haven’t you noticed? :) my beautiful, beautiful Meira. Do you have ANY bruises, cuts, or burns on your body from people? No? YES, crazy mom remember? and I know you’re a girl, and it’s not a competition or anything but I promise you my scar is bigger than yours - we’ll see I guess :), and it only means that we’re both beautiful because scars are a sign of survival - we survived, and so we’re beautiful :) Do you have a home you can come to and 90 % of the time feel at peace in? Then do NOT complain. Fuck anyone who does. I’m not being positive for anyone anymore. No one can be positive with me? yush of course my dear cooookie No one can even listen. you asked me to read this post didn’t you? it somewhat counts as listening :) even though I’m reading this in my mind so technically I’m listening to myself, but it’s your writing so it counts :P - plus we have that whole string thing going on. Do not be ungrateful and then tell me to be humble. AMEN (yes that goes for me)
Do not be ungrateful, and be so GOD DAMN PESSIMISTIC ABOUT “HOW TOUGH LIFE IS” if you are in the comfort of your own home and family. There are other difficulties then the ones you describe, I promise - we just can’t see it from our own eyes, we need to see it from each other’s eyes.
People make me hate LOVE this world so much. Hamna, I hope one day I’m lucky enough to see you in heaven. Until then, I’ll try my best to be more like you each and every day. I’m tired of typing now, I guess I’ll write more tomorrow. Sigh Sigh back *phew it’s the end. Goodnight Tumblr = The unforgettable mama’s boy, loteputemu Ruanth.. My only Real friend.
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